April 27, 2007

Nan Pelosi for President!

The Blog Princess awoke this morning in a decidedly blue funk.

Long before rosy fingered dawn began painting the sky outside her western Maryland home, she swung her shell pink toes over the side of her bed and trudged dutifully down the hall to make an extra strong pot of coffee. Waiting for the reassuring smack! of the daily fishwrap on the driveway, she began snidely calculating the odds. Would the Paper Dude maliciously hurl it into the hydrangeas, giving unsuspecting passersby an enchanting view of her derriere as she rooted around blindly in the dark? Or would the vile wretch manage to decapitate the daylilies that were just now appearing in the flower bed over the stone wall?

Always a crap shoot - she really ought to have tipped him. Finally, blessed relief landed [WHOMP!!!] on the driveway. What fresh hell awaited the Princess? The waves of cognitive dissonance emanating from the Op-Ed News section were already clashing with the mind-control rays beaming from the Pentagon. How was a poor blog princess to hear herself think with all this noise going on, anyway?

Settling down on the sofa, she opened the WaPo and beheld her salvation - nay! the salvation of a nation longing for something to rescue it from an oozing quagmire of miserable failure. There it was, right on page A2; what we'd been waiting for all these years - a Plan! And we didn't even have to listen to John Kerry drone on for once!

Nan Pelosi for President! And Secretary of State! And Supreme Commander, Multinational Forces-Iraq! Yeeeeeeaaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!

"I do not stand alone," Dennis Kucinich said as he stood, alone, in front of a cluster of microphones yesterday evening.

The Ohio congressman, a Democratic presidential candidate, was holding a news conference outside the Capitol to announce that he had just filed articles of impeachment against Vice President Cheney. But subsequent questioning quickly revealed that Kucinich had not yet persuaded any of his 434 colleagues to be a cosponsor, that he had not even discussed the matter with House Democratic leaders, and that he had not raised the subject with the Judiciary Committee.

Kucinich did have one thing: a copy of the Declaration of Independence. And he was not afraid to read it. "We hold these truths to be self-evident," the aspiring impeachment manager read at the start of his news conference. He continued all the way through the bit about the right of the people to abolish the government.

"These words from the Declaration of Independence are instructive at this moment," he said.

A reporter from the Cleveland Plain Dealer encouraged USS Kucinich to contact planet Earth. "But Nancy Pelosi says this is not going anywhere," she pointed out.

"Have you talked to her today?" Kucinich shot back.

"Yes, I did," she replied.

Kucinich had not expected that answer. "Then I would say I have not talked to her," he acknowledged.

It was not an auspicious beginning for the impeachment of Richard B. Cheney.

Oh come on, Dana. Where's your sense of humor? It's not every day America gets to see another Rethuglican Dick get impeached.

Of course it's not surprising people are scratching their heads on Capitol Hill, considering some of the mind-boggling oratory being produced courtesy of our tax dollars. According to the Democrats, there was a Great Disturbance in the Force last November. The American people rose up in anger against an administration they think didn't have a Plan for this war. And so they elected... the Democrats. Who, from all available evidence, don't have a clue what to do about this war either:

....consider the mental gyrations performed by Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) as he rationalized the recent comment from his majority leader, Harry Reid, the leading light of Searchlight, Nev., that the war in Iraq "is lost."

On "Fox News Sunday," Schumer offered this clarification of Reid's off-the-cuff comment. "What Harry Reid is saying is that this war is lost -- in other words, a war where we mainly spend our time policing a civil war between Shiites and Sunnis. We are not going to solve that problem. . . . The war is not lost. And Harry Reid believes this -- we Democrats believe it. . . . So the bottom line is if the war continues on this path, if we continue to try to police and settle a civil war that's been going on for hundreds of years in Iraq, we can't win. But on the other hand, if we change the mission and have that mission focus on the more narrow goal of counterterrorism, we sure can win."

Everyone got that? This war is lost. But the war can be won. Not since Bill Clinton famously pondered the meaning of the word "is" has a Democratic leader confused things as much as Harry Reid did with his inept discussion of the alternatives in Iraq.

But never fear! Halp is on the way! That same party which gave us The Strong Strength of Strongness is about to restore direction. Yes, what America needs right now is A Firm Hand At The Wheel of the Ship of State:

Pelosi said Democrats will produce an issue agenda for the 2006 elections but it will not include a position on Iraq. There is consensus within the party that President Bush has mismanaged the war and that a new course is needed, but House Democrats should be free to take individual positions, she sad. [sic]

(...wait for it)

"There is no one Democratic voice . . . and there is no one Democratic position," Pelosi said in an interview with Washington Post reporters and editors.

Pelosi recently endorsed the proposal by Rep. John P. Murtha (D-Pa.) for a swift redeployment of U.S. forces from Iraq over a period of six months, but no other party leader followed, and House Minority Whip Steny H. Hoyer (D-Md.) publicly opposed her.

And we can rest assured that this nation is also capably represented by Senator Harry Reid, a man for all seasons who manages to be the living embodiment of Speaker Pelosi's "there is no one Democratic voice...there is no one Democratic position" platform on the Iraq war.

Indeed, reading over Senator Reid's various pronouncements on the war, it would appear he is hearing not one, but several voices inside his head. The only question is which one will pop up like Whack a Mole to entertain us this week?

They say every cloud has a silver lining. The next few years should be highly entertaining, whatever else they may be.

Drink up, my friends. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Posted by Cassandra at April 27, 2007 6:54 AM | PROCURE FINE OLD WORLD ABSINTHE