May 27, 2005
Why Rebels are Scum (The Hobbesian Conservative)
Greetings to all Imperial Subjects. This is Imperial Governor Hobbesian. But today, you may think of me as plain old Greg.
I'm here today to say a few words about the Empire and you. A wise master known as Vlast has said much of what you are about to hear before, but it has been many cycles since he spoke those words.
I know many of you are inclined to sympathize with the rebel forces currently perpetrating attacks upon the empire. Some of you may even think that the Empire deserves whatever it gets from the rebel forces.
But I would ask you to ask yourselves a simple question: What do the rebels stand for?
It is clear that the rebels, abetted by the divine-right order of the Jedi, stand against the Empire. But what do they offer in her stead?
Ask yourselves also: Is it so bad living under the bailiwyck of the Emporer? How does the Empire affect your life? Under the previous government-- that of the Galactic Senate-- most of the humans on Tattooine were literally slaves. The Hutt cartel succeeded keeping the slave traders in operation.
Under the Empire, the activities of the Hutts were, if not kibashed completely, at least driven underground. The humans living on Tattooine are now able to make their own way, owning and working their own land, coming and going as they wished.
Indeed, Lord Vader was himself one of those slaves as a boy. He was bought and freed by Jedi associates of then Senator Padme Amidala, who promptly returned to the Senate and did... absolutely nothing about the conditions there. Lord Vader's own mother, among others, were left to rot in bondage by the Senate and the Jedi alike.
Amidala and the Jedi's only concern was to maintain the integrity of the Senate, which Amidala herself admitted was impotent to do anything. In fact, the problems facing the Senate that led to Emporer Palpatine's ascension are of the Senate's own making-- they were unable to keep control of the situation when the Trade Federation attacked Naboo, thinking the issue could be resolved with talk, promises and concessions.
Naturally, some of you balk at the increased security measures implemented to combat the rebels. But, given the Rebel forces' tendency to destroy Imperial installations without caring a whit for those living on it, are checkpoint searches at galactic ports that unreasonable?
Beyond combatting crime and providing security, the Empire sponsors low-cost universities (Imperial Academies) throughout the galaxy for those who wish to elevate their stations in the Empire. Did the lethargic. divine-right Jedi and their mitichlorion parasites offer so much? While any one of you listening right now could become a high-ranking official within the Empire, none but the mitichlorioned few could ever hope to be a Jedi. Even if you were fortunate enough to be born with the ability to become a Jedi, the Jedi council could still vote to abandon you for such human emotions as fear or anger. Again, Lord Vader was initially denied Jedi training as a boy because the Jedi Council though it unseemly for a nine-year-old boy taken from his mother to be afraid.
These are the compassionate beings you wish to entrust your future to? I think not.
Again, what do the Rebels offer in place of the empire? They propose to shear local magistrates from any answerable authority, and leave it at that. Surely the result would be chaotic and wars would ensue as the local authorities fed their own appetites for land and title.
The Empire offers peace, justice and stability. The Rebels offer nothing but bluster and rage.
[applause] very imaginative! Thank you for participating.
Posted by: Ith at May 27, 2005 10:25 AM