February 21, 2003

Recipe Sharing

A little humour for a Friday morning

Posted by Ithildin at February 21, 2003 7:30 AM | PROCURE FINE OLD WORLD ABSINTHE

Since we're sharing recipes, I'd like to humbly submit my recipe for my own world-famous Jack Dan'ls BBQ Sauce. This was posted on my blog a ways back, but I'll paste it here, if I may, to save you some clicks.

First, it must be understood that making Bar-B-Q sauce is a man's game. There are certain things that only men can do; we all know this. Among those are the ability to spit watermelon seeds into a pitcher of iced-tea from a distance of five lawn chairs, to find our way from a minor-league stadium in Albuquerque to a bar in downtown Hoboken without once stopping at a filling station for directions, cooking breakfast (eggs, pancakes and scrapple), and making Bar-B-Q sauce. Only men can make Bar-B-Q sauce. Don't ask me why. I think there was a study done once that proved that it's a genetic thing.

Anyway, herewith is my method of making Jack Dan'l's Hot Stone Cajones Bar-B-Q sauce, and you're welcome:

First things first: Prepare your environment. Wait until a time when The Little Woman has washed and put away the maximum amount of dishes, so that you have a clear working area. You'll need lots of room for slicing, dicing, mixing and whisking. Put a Grass Roots CD into the closest CD player, and make sure you have plenty of Budweiser within easy reach. Making the perfect Jack Dan'l's Bar-B-Q sauce takes time and focus.

Now, it's time to gently coax The Little Woman out of the kitchen. This isn't always easy, as the kitchen is The Little Woman's domain, and she may be reluctant to turn it over completely. It's a control thing, don't you know. You have to let her know that you're doing her a kindness:

"Now, there, Little Woman, love of my life. You jus' set your sweet little tush down in the basement and relax. You done enough for one day. You jus' let ol' Lutzie take over these here kitchen dooties, an' don't you worry your purdy little head over it none. There's a good little filly."

That ought to do it. Nothing beats sweet-talking the ladies to get what you want.

Now that the coast is clear, get out a mess of pots, measuring spoons, and some of them little sharp kives. You'll need a lot of molassas, ketchup, onions, garlic, brown sugar, salt, pepper, fresh jalep peppers and hot sauce. Some cidar vinegar and tomato paste, too. And some worchestershire sauce. Liquid smoke and whorchestershire sauce.

Now, for the main ingredient you'll need a fith of Jack Dan'l's whiskey. You'll be using the whiskey to saute' the onions and garlic and jaleps, so make sure it's at room temperature. Take a taste, then, if it's right, pour a couple of fist-fulls into a pot.

Dice up your onions, garlic and jalaps. About two onions, four cloves and four jaleps should do the trick. Put 'em into the pot with the whiskey and bring that mother to a simmer, until the onions is transparent. While you is waiting, take a nip of from the whiskey bottle, and chase it with your beer to make sure The Little Woman don't catch on.

When the veggies is done you got to ingite them bastards to burn off that nasty alcohol. Light a match an' throw it into the pot. Let the summbitch burn for, oh, 20 seconds or a few minutes or whatever. Then, call down to The Little Woman, who, you may remember, is in the basement:

"Sugar-Plum! Oh, sweetum's! Could you please bring me up that fire extinguisher, my little schnukle-bunnie?"

"Oh, My God! What in the hell are you doing?!," is likely to be the response when The Little Woman sees the burning kitchen curtains. Don't let it throw you off your game.

"Never mind, little pumpkin. You jus' let me take care of everything."

"Take care of everything, my ass! Are you trying to burn the house down?"

(Oh, shut up. Would you for once just please shut up.)

When the fire is out, tell the bitch to get her fat ass back downstairs, take a swig from the whiskey bottle, chase it with a bud and put all the rest of the ingredients into the pot. Take another swig and chase.

Now. Your gon to meed about 2 cups of katchup, a quarter cup of woorshesersauce, and splach some ot that liquid somke into the pot. bring it all to a big boil and make sue you stirr it all tiem so it son't burn. If it brns the woman is gone run up again and piss ou off. "what in the fuch you doing you sommof abitch get out of my kish...." But don't listen just turn up the grassroots an take s aswig of Jack danls beer an stirr the pot good then when she starts hitting yuou on the nead you thros the pot one the floor, OH MY GOD YOU SUNBITCH ahh shuttup yuou whore leve me alone "whoy dont yo GET A JOB ouo u PIG ahh shut up or ill kill ou you bitch I HATE YOU YOU BASTARD n jus nok the bithc out an take a swig of whishy an wate util the cops cmm then git your gun....

Posted by: Wayne Lutz at February 21, 2003 5:57 PM

ROTFL!!

I have a fruitcake recipe that's strangely similar.

Posted by: Ith at February 21, 2003 6:09 PM